Words are powerful. No one is going to debate me on that. I am sure there are things that people have said to you years ago that still echo in your heart and mind. Those words could have been life-giving and were fuel that kept you going throughout your motherhood, ministry or career. But we also have words that have been difficult. Those words have been detrimental to your mothering, ministry, or work. As Biblically Minded Families we desire for the words spoken within our home’s walls to be uplifting and encouraging. One way our family unintentionally (at first) achieved this was creating our Secret Family Language.
What is a Secret Family Language?
Our Secret Family Language is the special words, phrases, and actions that only our family knows because we live in our house. They are the parting words that we say as our teen is leaving the house or the emoji that I text to him as he is at a church event. They are the inside jokes or the powerful phrases that we repeat to them over and over again. These are the soundtracks that we want our children to remember and repeat to themselves throughout their lives. We want this Secret Family Language to be a legacy passed on to the next generation.
For example, when our children were younger we would use the sign language for “I love you” to them. That is a family phrase that many people use. It was adorable to have the chubby fingers of my two-year-old trying to bend into that familiar shape. One of our small sons took it a step further, though. One day after I motioned “I love you” in sign language, he echoed my gesture and then turned his little hand around so I could see the back of his hand. He then said, “I love you… back!” That’s how this powerful family phrase was adopted into the Lightner Family. Most of the time now we will sign “I love you” and then the other person will respond with the sign and showing the back of their hand. It’s one of those phrases that we know because we are Lightners. This secret family language identifies us and pulls us together.
Why are Secret Family Languages so powerful?
1. These phrases show your family members that they are loved.
These phrases are a powerful reminder to your family that they are loved. While you probably tell them that all the time, there is just something special about using a keyword or phrase that means “I love you” in a secret language only your family knows. Saying “I love you more than cheesy fries” might be your family’s expression of love that shows the passion that you have for each other — like your favorite appetizer. Our family will often say, “I love you to Zambia… and back.” We used to be missionaries living in Zambia, Africa, so we know how long it takes to get there. This phrase, based on Sam McBratney’s book, Guess How Much I Love You, carries the height, weight, and breadth of our family’s love for one another.
2. These phrases show your family members that they belong in your family.
Secret Family Languages give identity to your children. They help them to know that they are part of this family. They are a “LIGHTNER” or a “MILLER” or a “BOWMAN”. Having these phrases and special words will bind your family together and give a language that only you speak and understand. They give you a language — just like Chinese, Spanish or Swahili. Like “inside jokes”, these phrases or gestures or single words remind your family of events, conversations that you have had, or behaviors that you want them to adopt. They connect your family and give them identity as a child in your family.
3. These phrases give your family members a purpose as a family.
When our kids are leaving the house, I always say, “Be a blessing!” What does that mean? Well, it is clear to everyone in our family that we are to be respectful, kind, patient, loving, responsible, helpful, and a joy to be around. As our children leave, we want to remind them of these things. We want them to be a blessing and not a burden to those around them. The simple phrase “Be a blessing” has become a purpose statement on our home. We want to be a constructive member to society — as opposed to one who is destructive. Likewise in your family, you can create a phrase that gives your family purpose and direction.
What are some ideas to create a Secret Family Language in your home?
1. Adopt a family Bible verse.
The Bible is full of verse that are deeply meaningful to Christians all over the world. Take some time with your spouse to read the Scriptures and adopt a family Bible verse. Teach this verse to your family. Memorize this verse together. Make a sign of the verse to hang on your walls. Encourage each other to apply the verse to life. Growing up our family verse was Joshua 1:9. Whether we were anxious about a test, battling with an illness, arguing with a friend, or struggling financially, we encouraged each other. “Don’t be discouraged. The Lord is with us. Joshua 1:9 tells us so.”
2. Develop a parting phrase that you can say to your children.
What do you want your children to remember when they are apart from you? Develop a phrase or word that you can say that demonstrates that to your family. Discus it with your family. Talk about it. Let them know what it means and then use it. Say it each time you leave from them. In time they will begin saying it to YOU. Try using a key phrase from your family Bible verse or a lyric from a favorite song. Let this be your family’s anthem.
3. Create a handshake that is a secret just for your family.
Think about the handshake from the movie “The Parent Trap” as inspiration. Add a handshake, whole body turn, little dance, clapping sequence, or whatever else you would like to make this a unique and special gesture just for your family.
4. Pick a random emoji.
Have this be your special emoji that means “I love you”. This can be an ice cream cone, a dump truck, or anything else symbolic of your family. When members of your family get this text, they don’t have to be embarrassed by a lovey note from mom, but your teen will still know what it means.
5. Pick a purposeful emoji for special occasions.
Our family also has an emoji that means, “Mom, please come get me. I’m at this event and don’t feel comfortable.” After seeing this emoji, I will send him/her a text message back. “I’m sorry, buddy. Something has come up, and I will need to come get you right away.” This takes the pressure off of my teens. They don’t want to or can’t call mom, but they want to get out of there. This way the pressure is off of them. They don’t need to justify why they are leaving. “Mom texted and said that I have to go.”
5. Invent a new phrase to describe the incredible love you have for one another.
My Nana and Grampa used a powerful family phrase that has lasted a few generations. They would sign off on phone calls, write at the end of letters, or say goodbye with a hug and “I love you 100 barrels.” That was just a Nana and Grampa thing. It was special and sentimental. I don’t know its origins, but that doesn’t matter. I can picture birthday cards with that inscription and see 100 huge barrels filled with the love that they had for me. What could your new phrase to say “I love you” be?
6. Use ideas from books that you love and adopt those phrases into your family’s vocabulary.
Do you love Guess How Much I Love You by Sam McBratney? Then “I love you to the moon… and back” could be a powerful phrase that identifies your family and secures its members in your love. Maybe you love The Kissing Hand by Audrey Penn. If so, in your family you kiss each other on the palm and curl your fingers around the kiss so it doesn’t escape. Do you have “The Invisible String” that connects those you love from around the world? Patrice Karst’s book series would encourage you to use that language of love.
The Secret Family Language that we create in our homes show love, demonstrate belonging, and give purpose in our families. They are truths that we want our family to live by and can also bring humor and joy into your daily rhythms. It is important to know that sometimes Secret Family Languages just develop organically. New phrases are adopted due to a funny circumstance or a new book you read. You may need to wait and some parts of your family language will develop.
What new phrases do you want to implement in your home? Think about how you can incorporate these simple truths to make an impact in the life of your family.
Does your family use phrases like this in your home? Tell us about it in the comments below!
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