I was in Walmart the other day getting a few things for our family. There was a mother in the next aisle over shopping with two young children. I couldn’t see them, but I could hear the commotion, realizing the children were running up and down the aisle. Trying to get them to behave, the mother gently asked them to stop and stand next to her. But their squeals and giggles revealed that they didn’t. After several minutes, the exasperated mother yelled, “I am gonna count to three…. and when I do, you must be standing next to me!”
What do you think happened? Did the children correct their behavior and immediately stand next to their mother? Of course, they didn’t. Have you ever heard this kind of threat? Have you ever said something like this? Counting to three or any other threat doesn’t produce the long-term results that a Biblically Minded Family desires. This kind of delayed obedience is not obedience at all. It is actually disobedience. When we use this parenting tactic, we are actually teaching our children disobedience instead of obedience, which is not what God intended for us at all. And I will show you why.
1. The Problem
Children want to have their own way (Romans 3:23, Jeremiah 17:9). They have a bent toward being mischievous and independent. From the time they are about two years old, they begin saying “NO” and “MINE”. They want to be in charge. Some parents are not willing to discipline their children at this stage seeing that this behavior is cute, wanting to be their child’s friend, or thinking that they are too young to discipline . But they are doing a disservice to their children. They are not disciplining them and teaching them to submit to authority, something they will have to do over and over again as they age.
I believe in most situations, the parents are the problem. They have not taken the responsibility of disciplining and training their children. It is easier to stay on the couch, watching videos on your phone than to do the hard work of disciplining your children. But this is job that our Father has given for us to do! If we don’t teach our children to come under our authority, how will they learn to submit to the Lordship of God?
When our oldest was just 18 months old, I remember thinking, “We never taught her to disobey! Why is she doing this?” Even though she knew she wasn’t supposed to drop her food on the floor, she did it anyway. She deliberately disobeyed us as she looked us in the eye… when we were sitting right next to her! We were stunned! It was during that first encounter that we realized that we had a choice to make: Either we needed to discipline her and take seriously the role of parents or laugh at her cuteness and encourage her disobedience. For us we knew that we needed to squelch this behavior immediately, before it became out of control.
2. The Solution
First-Time Obedience is the only solution to this problem. Parents need to repent of their lack of discipline in their child’s life and commit to begin obedience training. It is much easier and simpler to sit on the sidelines or give your child a video to watch instead of making them obey. But according to the Bible, our job is to be interactive parents, not passive ones. Parents must get in the game and start coaching their athlete in order to win spiritually!
I have heard a story about a mom who asked her son to pick up the trash he threw on the floor and put it into the trash bin. The son just folded his arms and looked at his mother. She repeated her request to the son, but he just stood in the same position. Again, she repeated, “Pick up that trash and put it into the bin.” But he refused. At this point the mother had a few options. Number one, she could just pick up the trash herself and put it away. She could also yell at him and demand that he do this simple task. Number three, she could threaten him. Number four, she could discipline him right there and then tell him to do it. Which would you choose?
The best solution is to have trained them to pick it up the first time, without a hesitation, and without complaining. But that is hard to achieve. God is asking us to help our children follow Ephesians 6:1, “Children, obey your parents in the Lord for this is right.” God taught us in Deuteronomy 6:6-7 to disciple our children throughout the day: “And these words which I command you today are to be in your hearts. Teach them diligently to your children and talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up.” This is our standard.
3. The Practice
In our home, we regularly practiced first-time obedience when our children were small. We made it a game with our children so they would get into the habit of learning these things. For example, I would sit them on the couch and explain we were going to play the obedience game. “What is obedience? Obedience is doing what I am told right away and with a happy heart.” Eventually, they would recite it with me.
From there I would create fun scenarios in which they had to obey right away. “Go to my bedroom and get the pillows.” Without missing a beat, they would say, “Yes, Mommy!” (or yes, Ma’am) and then would take off running down the hall to retrieve the pillows. “Thank you for obeying mommy right away and with a happy heart. Next, I would like you to go to the bookshelf and make sure all the books are place properly on the shelves.” They would respond, “Yes, mommy!” and then quickly run to the shelves, working together to put the shelves in order. I tried a few more of these simple yet fun activities. I liked ending these “obedience training” sessions with something really fun. “Go the cupboard and get out the homemade chocolate chip cookies. All my obedient children can have one!”
We can’t expect our children to obey without training in obedience. Their default is disobedience. They must have practice — practice to know what to do, how to do it, and when to do it. There are seasons in which I needed my boys to repeat the directions that I gave. They were so excited to do whatever challenge I gave that they didn’t listen fully to the instructions. I often asked them to tell me what they heard in their own words. This is especially helpful when the instructions have a few steps.
In the future when we were in situations where they were tempted to disobey, I got down on eye level with them. We chatted about the choice they had to make. They could either do as I ask and obey mommy right away, or they could choose to disobey my instructions. If they made that intentional decision to disobey, they had to be disciplined for it. I gave them a clear choice and simple expectations.
4. The Alternative
If you choose to not implement first time obedience into you home, the alternative is having children who disobey and will challenge your every direction. They will feel that they are in charge and can choose what they will obey and when or if they will obey. This creates chaos in the home. God designed the home to be led by the Father with the Mother and children in submission to him. This is the structure that works. Everything else will crumble and fall, leaving homes and children disasters.
So, in our home we have taught our children our family’s definition of obedience. “Obedience is doing what I am told right away and with a happy heart.” You see, obedience is more than just an action. Obedience is also having a heart attitude of submission.
Jonah’s life is a negative example of all of this. God told Jonah to go to Nineveh to preach God’s message to the people. Jonah disobeyed. He did not want the people to repent, and God to spare their lives. Instead, he ran in the opposite direction away from the Lord. God caused a storm, saved Jonah with a big fish, and sent him back to Nineveh. Jonah eventually obeyed the Lord, but his attitude never changed. In the final verses of his book (which we rarely see in kids’ Bibles) we hear Jonah’s heart. He outwardly obeyed but inwardly didn’t. Did Jonah obey? I would argue that he didn’t. He submitted in his actions, eventually, but his heart continued to be far from obedience.
5. The Results
Firstly, the result of first-time obedience is a more peaceful home with less stress. There are fewer arguments and power struggles. It is clear that the parents are the authority, and the children must submit to the people who God placed over them. Yes, there can be times of defiance, but overall, the children have learned obedience and display it daily.
Secondly, the children have developed self-control. Only time and intentionality develop this character quality. Our world is crowded with people who do what feels good, when it feels good, without thinking about the consequences. Impulsivity is all around us, but children who learn self-control are able to regulate their emotions and actions. They become teens and adults who also are restrained and disciplined. They are a blessing to society.
Another result of first-time obedience is safety. When I tell my children to stop in a parking lot, I want them to stop. They may not have seen the car, screaming through the parking spaces. As the adult, I want them to listen and obey immediately without asking me questions. There is no time to justify my request. This is for their safety.
When you teach first-time obedience, your children will feel loved. Children need boundaries. Boundaries are like a fence which keeps them safely inside and keeps out the dangers. When they experience the consistency of this kind of obedience, children will feel loved. They know what to expect. The boundaries are clear, and they know how to hit the target each time.
What will you choose? How will you proceed from here? It is my prayer that you will ask God for wisdom and read His Word about obedience. Create your own definition of obedience or implement mine to see what a difference it can make in your family’s life. It will eliminate many battles and give you a more peaceful home as it comes under the authority of God. Please tell us in the comments below how God is prodding your heart.
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