While our babies are still within us, we begin talking to them. We desire for them to hear our voices and learn our language. In the first years, we help them develop their vocabulary and grammar. But sometime between ages three and four, they begin a new phase: a whiny phase. They put words together to make sentences and can show great emotion with their words and tone — which can be good and BAD! Many parents I have talked to are interested in stopping this whiny phase of their preschoolers, but they are unsure how to master that. They are frustrated with their child’s high-pitched whines and complaining. At times this can really drive a parent crazy! How can it be that just a couple years before we were hanging on every word they spoke and now we want to stop them altogether? Here are the strategies and steps that I use to stop the whiny phase… and stop it now!
1. Giving Children an understanding of what whining is
Sometimes children do not understand what whining is. I have heard parents tell their children to stop whining, but have they ever told them what whining is? I believe this is the best place to start. What is whining? “Whining is complaining about something, often with a high-pitched ‘baby’ voice.” This is a definition that will make sense to many kids, and I would use this definition with them. Maybe you should even make them memorize it! But I wouldn’t stop there. Record your child whining and play the recording back to them. This demonstrates to them what they sound like when whining. Often, they will not easily identify this behavior in their own lives. Playing the recording for them will help them easily hear the whining and understand why you want it to change. You could also pretend that you are a child and whine about a situation. Your children might think this is really funny and get a better idea of what whining sounds like. (It may even hurt their ears like it does yours!)
But now that they know what whining is, why do you desire for them to stop this whiny phase? First of all, we believe that everything we do needs to be done without complaining or arguing as the Bible says (Phil 2:14) . Our words and our tone are very important, even at this young age. Complaining is sin. Secondly, attitudes are contagious, and seeds of discontentment spread to the whole family. And lastly, it is frustrating to talk to someone who is whining. This is not the way we desire for our children to communicate. They must learn real words in a way that is understandable. Whining is not a real language. Stopping the whiny phase immediately makes sure it doesn’t carry on with them into elementary school!
2. Memorizing Scripture
Everything that we do needs to come back to the Word of God. Whining is no different. Replace whining with Scripture. Give your child a Bible verse that shows them what the Word of God says about our words. While mom and dad desire for them to stop whining, it is actually a command from God first! As parents our authority and power comes from the Bible, so leading our children back to the Word to see what it says is our priority.
Even little children can memorize these verses — or phrases from these verses. Pick one or two of these to work on with your child. Memorize the verse together. When your child begins to whine, gently remind them of the first few words or use a hand signal to point out their whining. This will trigger their memory as they choose to stop whining and choose to obey God in this area. Pick from one of the following verses or find one on your own.
“Do everything without complaining or arguing.” (Philippians 2:14)
“Do not grumble against each other, brothers, or you will be judged.” (James 5:9)
“Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” (I Thessalonians 5:18)
“Now when the people complained, it displeased the Lord; for the Lord heard it, and His anger was aroused. So, the fire of the Lord burned among them and consumed some in the outskirts of the camp.” (Numbers 11:1)
3. Warning about Whining
When your children whine, we need to warn them that everything they say in that tone will be ignored. As their parents you choose to only listen to the words that are spoken in a “big-boy voice” and not a “baby voice”. When their voice matches yours, then you will hear what they are saying. This causes your child to think about what they sound like and choose to change to a grown-up voice. Try saying, “I hear you whining. I will not listen to you about this until your voice matches mine.” Most of the time this is enough to get your child to think about what they were doing and decide on another path since they want to be heard.
4. Practicing the New Behavior.
I firmly believe that we must have our children practice the behaviors that we desire to see in them. Rehearsing the behaviors that you desire when you are not actively in that situation will help to clarify with your child what you want. Often, they will not be able to detach themselves from the situation in order to have a teachable moment when they are in the heat of it. Choose a peaceful time helps to reinforce what your standards are.
From practicing staying in bed overnight to practicing manners in a restaurant to practicing speaking in a “big-girl voice”, this will help make your expectations very clear for your children when they are calm and rational instead of in the heat of the moment. We like to role-play these different situations so they will understand our standards and their appropriate behaviors. Our children especially love when they get to act out the inappropriate behaviors or when we act like the naughty children. But we always like to end with them demonstrating that they know the right things to say and do. Stopping the whiny phase is no different. Role-play with your children. Let them here the difference in the behaviors that you want. When you rehearse these things, your children are more able understand your teaching than in the heat of the moment.
What does this look like in real life?
Three-year-old Kate is hungry. She comes into the kitchen with her arms crossed and starts whining about her hunger.
“What’s wrong, Kate?”
“My belly hurts. I am SO hungry. Give me some foooood right nooowww.”
“I am so sorry to hear that, but I can’t listen to you right now when you are whining. If you start talking in a big girl voice like the Bible says, doing everything without complaining, then I can better understand you and help.”
“But, mommy. I am hungry!”
Mommy signals to Kate with her two fingers on her lips. This helps Kate know that she is whiny and must stop.
“Ok, mommy. I will try again. My tummy hurts because I am hungry. Can I have a snack, please?
“Yes, I love how you asked me in a big girl voice, without complaining. I would love to cut up an apple for you to eat.”
Mommy cuts an apple and puts it on the counter. Kate climbs up on the chair to enjoy her snack. “Next time, Kate, I want you to talk in a big girl voice to tell me what you need. Let’s review what God says about whining. Say it with me: ‘Do everything without complaining or arguing.’ Very good. Enjoy your snack!”
In conclusion
First, let your children know what whining is. Teach them the definition and show examples of whining. Show them from the Scriptures what God says and memorize a verse or two about God’s standards for speech. Then finally, role play with your children in a calm time. Give them time to demonstrate that they understand your family’s expectations for whining. Make this fun! Video them acting these things out. These can be used as a great teachable moment later on. Finally, bathe all of this discipleship in prayer. God desires for our children to walk in the Truth even more than we do. So, pray. Ask Him for wisdom, patience, and breakthrough! Get on your knees and start discipling those preschoolers (or bigger kids who need some reteaching) in the Word of God! You will be so glad you did!
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