Did I do enough? Are my children going to turn out ok? If we could just earn a little more, then everything would be ok, right? Did I just ruin my kid forever? What if they don’t like me? Was I too hard on them? Why can’t I be more like THAT mom…. she is perfect! If only I had that, then I could give my kids what they deserve?
Can you hear the mom guilt? All of us moms go through seasons where we question ourselves and our abilities. We look at what other people are doing or what we have, and we become full of guilt for how we don’t measure up. What are we supposed to do when we feel like this? Overcoming mom guilt happens when we truly understand God’s grace in our lives. When we see what God has done for us and the grace He has given, we are free to ask Him for guidance because we know we are nothing and can do nothing apart from Him! We can give ourselves grace when we know the abundant grace God has given us. Here are some practical steps to help all of us moms:
1. Remind yourself that God sovereignly gave you your children.
God made no mistake when He blessed you with the children you have. Yes, it is true! He sovereignly gave them to you whether they came from your womb or your heart; these children were put into your life by our God who has the whole world in His hands. He has designed you to be their mom and has designed them to be your children. God uses them to sanctify you to become more like Himself and uses you to sanctify them as well.
Not only is each child perfectly put into your home, but the size of your family was designed by God as well. He knew how many children you would have, what gender they would be, and how you all would interact with each other. Stop feeling guilty about your family. God has graciously designed it and is using it for His glory and your good!
2. Don’t wallow in the past.
Sometimes I feel stuck. I think about a mistake that I have made and can’t just leave it in the past. I wallow in that. When I do this, I am no longer any good to those around me. My thoughts constantly lead me back to that event which affects how I interact with my kids and how I feel about myself. But this shouldn’t be like this as a redeemed believer! We have God’s grace so we must live that way. He has forgiven our past. When we don’t forgive ourselves, we forfeit the peace God wants us to have, and we act like His grace can’t really forgive.
For example, there is a friend who had a wild past. She didn’t come to know Jesus until she was in her twenties and then married. Her lifestyle before Jesus causes her guilt and shame, and she wants to hide it from her children. There were days that she struggles to get out of bed and eat because of her feelings. BUT THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT JESUS SAVED HER FROM! That sin and shame should no longer be a part of her life as a believer. God has redeemed her and given her a new name and identity! She must rejoice in the new life she has in Christ and use it as a way to disciple her children to follow God’s plan for them as shown in Scripture.
No matter what your past has been or what mistakes you have made (big or small), if you have asked for forgiveness, God has forgiven you. First John 1:9 tells us, “If we confess our sin, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sin and cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” God forgives, but Satan is the one who wants to keep you stuck in your mistakes. He brings them up. He wags them in front of your face. Satan wants you to be overcome and paralyzed. Christ died to give you a new life and new hope with freedom from the bonds of guilt and shame! Enjoy sitting in His grace today.
3. Change what you have the power to change.
Is some guilt healthy? Yes! There are times when I find myself resting on my bed, scrolling on my phone. This is not the mother that I want to be. I feel guilty that I have wasted my time, doing something of little or no value to myself or to my family. That guilt becomes the fuel to change. While I am able to change those decisions in my life, there are other things that I can’t. Decide if your situation is an area that you are able to change and then ask God for the wisdom and power to change those things. Can you work on your behaviors, speech, schedule, time management, character qualities, etc.? Yes. Do it. By the power of the Holy Spirit and a few tweaks to my daily rhythms, I have changed many things over the years. You can too!
“Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into His likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.”
2 Corinthians 3:17-18
4. Find moms who will support and encourage you in the Truth.
One of the biggest blessings you can have as a mom is to have a like-minded friend or two who will support and encourage you. When you go through seasons of doubt in your parenting, they will uplift you and guide you to know and obey the Truth. Let these friends know your struggles so they can truly be a help to you. Give them permission to shake you when you fall into a cycle of guilty thinking. We were never meant to walk the Christian life alone. Supportive moms will bring you back to reality and focus you on God’s grace and what His Word says.
“Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor:
If either of them falls down, one can help the other up.
But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up.
Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.
But how can one keep warm alone?
Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.”
5. Write down your strengths and remind yourself of them often.
You are a good mom. You may even be a great mom. None of us are perfect moms, though. There are things that you already do which are good and need to be commended, even if you are not able to see that right now. Write those things down in a list. It may feel a little awkward to do that, but it is beneficial for all of us to evaluate ourselves. Keep this list in a safe spot and remind yourself of these things… especially when you make mistakes or are feeling discouraged in your parenting. If you really struggle to create a list, ask your children or a close friend to help you. In no time they will be able to make an extensive document of your strengths.
What could you be good at? Patience, organization, education, baking, boardgames, cleaning, communication, dancing, having a positive attitude, saving money, teaching the Bible, planning vacations, cooking, coordinating playdates, being on time, following a schedule, sewing, reading, playing with your kids, crafting, writing notes of encouragement, cheering on the kids, and more! Each of us has areas where we excel. Take some time to make your list. Ask a friend or your spouse for insights as well.
Ephesians 2:10 “For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.”
6. Remember your why.
We can often get sucked into the feelings of guilt because we look around at what other people have or what they are doing. Remember your why! Why have you made the decisions that you have? Why are you parenting as you are? Write down those values and those whys so you are able to come back to them when the feelings come back to you. When you have times that you are not as level-headed, you need to get that list out and encourage yourself in the decisions that you made for your family.
For example, our family has decided that we are not going to be out of the house every night of the week for sports and other activities. We have six children so we could potentially have multiple practices, games, rehearsals, etc., on every night of the week. We value having meals together and spending time at home together and being hospitable. When we see other children succeeding in one area, we can be tempted to adjust our family rhythms to be more like another family. “Maybe we could just tweak our schedule like this… or if we did that, we could fit in another sport over the winter.”
What am I doing? I am compromising on our family values and replacing them with someone else’s values. This compromise is not what is best for our family or what we have desired! When I remember our why, I am able to clearly make decisions for our family. Remember YOUR why and stick to it.
7. Ask God for wisdom and love to be the best mom you can be!
From a Christian perspective, one of the best things we can do to fight off the guilty feelings we have is to ask God for wisdom and love in our mothering. We can try all of the things, we can read all the books, and we can ask for all the advice, but if we don’t seek the Lord and ask for His supernatural wisdom and love, we can only get so far. Often our feelings and insecurities are a reminder that we need the Lord and His power to do this job well. We are not enough in our own love, power, wisdom, charm, and intellect. We were never meant to mother apart from the power of the Holy Spirit within us. His grace empowers us to do the hard work of mothering.
When I think back to hard seasons as a mother, I immediately think about when I had five children ages newborn, 2, 4, 6, and 8. I was overwhelmed by everything. I remember crying to my husband after my mom left to return home to Florida, “We will never have another homecooked meal EVER! And I will be stuck in this house forever because there is NO WAY I will EVER be able to take them ANYWHERE by myself.” Of course, this was a major over reaction, but in those early days postpartum, I felt they were real. Day after day and night after sleepless night, I would get out of bed and immediately ask God to strengthen by body, guide my words, fill my heart with kindness, and grant me His wisdom.
Those days feel like a blur, but I know that the only reason we survived and thrived was the power of the Holy Spirit. It was not my cleverness or some secret formula. It was God… all God. We can overcome all the mom guilt when we see that we are not enough, but HE is enough. He is more than enough for all we need. I don’t need to have everything figured out, but I do need the One who has it figured out for me.
God loves you. He created you to be a mother and has equipped you to do this work for Him. It isn’t easy, but just as His grace is sufficient to save you, His grace will likewise sustain you.
How has this article encouraged or challenged you? Would you willing to share your thoughts in the comments section below?
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